La~mour

Monday, August 21, 2006

Mundane

It's yet another day at school, boring yet stressful. Mock exams today, Physics, my last paper which often puts me on tenterhooks. Why? I have never done wellfor physics, or even obtain a decent pass in this subject before. When such phenomenon occurs, how can i not panic? Physics, is easy to understand but hard to apply. Theory wise, it's quite alright; the problem arises when the stupid questions are confusing, or unclear( it's common for physical terms to be made so bluntly that it is unclear what the qn's objective is). Perhaps it's just my psychological barrier against physics; it has never been my pet subject anyways but to do well i need to reply on this. I haven't got any choices. What a huge blunder to be stuck with this science but it seriously is frustrating when you thought you understood and can do the questions; when the test comes, you realise to your horror that you can't solve for any other reasons, and stuck at the questions. I always feel as though my blood flow is constricted when i am stunned by the blunt physics questions. And i hate it! Sooner or later it's seriously going to take a toll on me. So much for my idealogy on physics; i guess it is quite obvious my physics mocks probably got screwed up yet again. Failing physics tests seemed so mundane that to pass is like striking lottery. Right i sounded so loser here at physics. Argh!

" I can feel the spikes piercing my flesh..; deep and grounded. With every minute movement; i flinch, sufferings from both pain and hatred. Too much to bear, yet more to come. It refused to budge; refuse to be lifted nor free me from it's menacing clutch. A prisoner what more to bear? To say it's the process of life; yet it seems too cruel; to say it's the Great Suffering; yet it seems natural. What exactly is it? "

My phone rang many times during my mock exams which got irritatingly held up due to some technical problems in the lecture hall--blackout. The whole paper sucked, everything. Can't put how i feel into words. Supposedly to meet Mer aft5pm, ended up the whole paper ended at 6 odd pm. Apparently many people(my 'family loves') called me, since they grew worried when they couldn't get me. They thought i had met with some accidents. Though i wished i did, i am apologetic in making them worry about me due to my delayed papers at school. We twosome had dinner at KFC(haven't ate KFC for a long long time) before doing work, i trying to read up on analogue operational amplifiers while mer did her physics papers with me at her dispensary in problems i may help in. I guess i was pretty cocked up in my mind i was kinda stoned. For some moments occasionally, i felt lost. Lost and helpless. Irritated. With my bloody self. I wish i can donate ALL of my blood. If life's so much suffering, where's the meaning? i seem to have lost my meaning. My dreams are on unstable grounds, pretty fragile. What if i never can achive my dreams. ANd if i die anytime, will i regret? I probably will, all my life. Regrets in not being able to achieve my dreams. I hate myself. I wanna fall into a coma. Coward as i may, i wanna run away, at least for a while; and start afresh. But it seems like, i will not be given such chances, perhaps never..should i just let it go?

My life's getting so mundane..nothing for me to look forward to unless if you count meeting my young pple family. HOme's so cold and mechanic like; as of the other occupants. They never can feel my pain; even when there's more than meets their eyes..They never know..i wish they can stop..i wish to run away..

LA~mour at 11:56 PM