Sunday, August 20, 2006
Beautiful reflections by the riverside..
According to some of my friends, i am 72 days to the big A'levels exams. HOw great. Ironic to feel happy,excited yet, dreadful and disturbing. Who wouldn't be excited to see and look forward to the end of suffering from all muggings for the stupid pathetic slip of results paper that determines your future?? For people like me, whose academic matters haven't been good since the begining (always curses that i should have started school proper last yr in January, DRATS) , the diminishing number of days worry me constantly. Would i have enough time to study? Will i be able to remember what i have studied?(my memory has been reclining, like that of an Alzheimer's even my own sister suspects that in me). Who wouldn't be worried when he or she's ranking the last few in class, being labelled as the weaker students in class? The constant stress from observing how others around me have progressed or excelled, being one who's not very sane when stressed; i panic often. But i am very thankful to have my 'family' with me, who cares for me when nobody cares; who make me feel loved by an older or younger 'sibling'. To crack lame or jovial jokes and feel family, that's what made me love them a lot. I enjoy being with them, i enjoy the warmth, the warmth which i can never get of my own..Will i even get any in my future?I wonder. IF i cannot accomplish my ultimate goal for a warm family, is my life considered 完整？I guess not. In life there is so much, seriously too much to worry. Is it because of civilisation and modernisation? Our many lives seemed to be hagged down by so much sometimes unnecessary worrisome matters that our health gets affected, our lives get screwed, we isolate ourselves eventually. Is the gradual increase in communication a boon or bane to us now? A boon that communication barriers are gradualy being knocked down and that we can interact with many people we once cannot reach due to the great distance between? Ironically it is also a bane that while the communication barriers are knocked down, we are gradually isolating ourselves from the each other, due to the increasingly competitive society. Are we losing our identity as a result? Amidst our slogging to fit into the stupidly competitive world, are we really achieving what we really want?SOmetimes while one achieves so much, one may not be at all happy with his or her achievements. Just like being filthy rich doesn't make one psychologically happy and loved. Well, it's just so interesting how these kind of thoughts kinda pops into my mind, erratically. Ah well..
Today(Saturday) holds a meaningful memory in my life today.Or so it's etched. I did something i never thought i'd do---I went to donate blood. Yes! red blood cells which contains the element Iron(Fe^2+). Ha..I had always been freaked out by the various sizes of needles and syringes. The thought of the metal thing poking through your flesh into the bloodstream or my body further irks and disgusts me whilst fascinating me simultaneously. Frankly, it is a quite cool thing but i cant bear the thought of needles stuck onto me. EEk..nvm that's not the point. I went down to Meryl's secondary school(Beatty Secondary) to donate blood, along with cheryl, genie kor kor and jasmine(Dao gu). Cheryl was so hilarious, freaking out even before we boarded the bus there, trying many means to escape the bloody episode. But we errr, restrained her and she went on forward under our watchful eyes. Hohohho..(ok i know u might wanna box my face but i shall dodge away) I looked rather calm at the beginning but i was totally wrecked and freaked out inside, perhaps i was just trying to maintain my calm compure and hide the fluster beneath. I bore the sight and trauma of long needles and the red bloody bags with blood flowing raw from the veins in the body right from the very step we entered THE GREAT BLOOD donation HALL. I can hold my tears no longer, my brave facade fell off when i saw how bloody long and thick the needles were, it was..daunting! After all the girls were seated on the stretchers in preparation to draw blood, leaving me alone with genie on the waiting area, i could not hold back anymore tears; tears of fright. It was quite a bemusing feeling, suddenly i felt a wrenching feeling inside of me; one which felt somewhat cold and frightened. Tears overflowed my eyes and eventually fell freely under my bid to hide my tears. But this guy (i thought was a teacher) saw and passed me a pack of tissue. Genie kor kor was like" OMg you are crying" i think both of us though it was rather amusing and i started laughing at the same time. The people there, volunteers and some nurses were very nice to me, erm by comforting me even though cheryl complained they weren't to her..lol..*beams* i waited for a while finally one nurse came with the equipments to draw blood etc. I got freaked out further upon seeing the 3 empty bag for storing blood. i can vividly remember my thoughts thatraced (WHAT! they are going to draw 3 bags of blood from me??!), out of my fright and shock, more tears flowed out, such that i errr, might have flooded at least 100ml or more if i were to collect them in a beaker? My whole cheeks were, wet from my tears of course! BUT it really was a great experience. I used to think that donating blood is one painful feat; now i'm at ease that i have overcome my fear and that though i teared, i learnt much through this experience., and will want to donate in the future again. Imagine my little contribution of a bagful of my blood can save THREE people! quite a 伟大 thing right. I'm grinning.I am thankful to those who consoled me, malay ladies, other teens, the school teachers, the counscillor, etc etc, and of coz cheryl n jas. mer and genie were too far away to talk. It was funny how my blood flowed so slowly even though i squeezed hard. Such that the people had to come check and increase the pressure placed on my forearm to help 'squeeze' more blood out to draw blood easier. What an experience, and i'm quite proud of myself!
Next, met Zebra(jiefu) at NUS Yusof Ishak House and started with lunch at a jap 'restaurant'. It was nitce but since Mer and i were having dizzy spells and headaches from the blood donation. Cheryl and Genie kor were fine--(to Mer-are we that weak?sadx..) Oh wells, despite our loss in appetite, jie fu and kor made us eat something to regain our strengths. Then we mugged. Nice place to mug though, i must say though cold at times due to the cold air-conditioning, we made some interesting discussions without cheryl who went to do her cca stuffs upstairs. Pity she missed them. Loves my Genie 哥哥 and zebra 姐夫..last but not least definitely darling 大姐Cheryl and 小妹 meryl. We only left the place at about 8.30pm?WOW what a late dinner at Bugis food court ( Ahems at Meryl with eyes full of love) after our studious renditions before. Then we walked on to a little riverside near Clarke Quay for a bit of breather while Cheryl and i sang our hearts out in girlish duets We all sat at the the stairs leading down into the river at low tide. It was nice, cooling and peaceful to sit there singing, and enjoy the peaceful scenic nights. But 大姐 and 小妹 had to leave early to catch buses by midnight so they left first, leaving me with 姐夫 and 哥. Thanks to 姐夫 and 哥 for accompanying me and sending me to my bus stop(=
As much as i am very afraid to be alone, or live in solitude as well as silence; such peace somewhat calms me down. Such peace i feel are good at calming me down, especially when i am flustered and lost. It is a great suffering to feel lost; it felt like one's purpose in life suddenly seemed rather uncertain, lost in focus.
I hate that feeling yet i can never escape from it. Is it the way i am or did i do womething wrong to result in that? Many a times, we often ask ourselves what did we do to earn ourselves in such a difficult state, it is always a headache trying to break free from the tangles. If only we can be carefree. If only the world's not getting cruel by each day, if only it is warm and loving again for me to turn to..If only i'm still a kid..
也许放弃 才能 靠近你
不再见你 你才会把我记起
时间累积 这盛夏的果实
回忆里寂寞的香气
我要试着离开你 不要再想你虽
然这并不是我本意
你曾说过 会永远爱我
也许承诺 不过因为没把握
别用沉默 再去掩饰什么
当结果是那么赤裸裸
以为你会说什么 才会离开我
你只是转过头 不看我
Chorus**
不要刻意说 你还爱我当
看尽潮起潮落 只要你记得我
你曾说过 会永远爱我
也许承诺 不过证明没把握
不用难过 不用掩饰什么
当结果是那么赤裸裸
其实不用说什么 才能离开我
起码那些经过 属于我
也许放弃 才能靠近你
不再见你 你才会把我记起
时间累积 这剩下的果实
回忆里爱情的香气
我以为不露痕迹 思念却满溢
或许这代表我的心
Chorus**
不要刻意说 你还爱我
当看尽潮起潮落 只要你记得我
如果你会梦见我
请你再抱紧我。。。
Talk in my flooble chatterbox! ( if your can\'t tag on the screen!(: )
